self-pity is my greatest obstacle right now. everytime i stop to think about how people are putting everything on me and still don’t know that i’m working hard and have too much on my hands for one person to take, i feel sorry for myself. but i guess everyone feels more sorry for themselves.when they feel like they’re doing too much, i start doing everything. i never succeed in getting other people help me lessen my load.
but many people are not. they hate and badmouth easily. what i really can’t stand is if people hate someone else because of some small stupid thing. i can’t stand unilateral thinking and simplified judgement.
reading susan cain’s book about introversion and extroversion is very uplifting - verified many of my instinctual understanding of how people behave
julia said she feels like she’s skating through life and there’s no way to brake. i told her that i feel like there’s some force pushing me forward and i can’t feel myself anymore, like i’m sitting on a buoy floating down a flowing river. julia told me that sophie thinks that her last three years in beijing were the same. always being pushed foward, somewhere, somehow.
the past week we were on break and we agreed that we felt like we were floating. floating through the hours and the days. different characters we’ve met floating through my mind. she said that we’ll draw up a life map soon in our living room, with a bottle of wine, maybe with a candle for atmosphere.
I hate the obviously expository dialogues in films when you know the character is clearly explaining stuff purely for the audience’s convenience. Like early in the film Last Ride we re wondering what’s the relationship between the man, the woman, and the boy, and then the boy conveniently asks the woman to tell the story of how she and the man met and then we learn everything.
i feel something clawing on me from inside. i pick up and put down the phone several times but a phone call and a dinner date is not going to help with anything. i rarely feel the need for company, and when i do i’m ashamed of being weak.
“I wasn’t in love with her. And she didn’t love me. For me the question of love was irrelevant. What I sought was the sense of being tossed about by some raging, savage force, in the midst of which lay something absolutely crucial. I had no idea what that was. But I wanted to thrust my hand right inside her body and touch it, whatever it was.”—Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun
just the beginning of the possibility of quitting my job made me so excited i even had an actual animated conversation with both my parents and still feel a bit fluttery. but today the company made me a stack of 100 name cards, with the pompous title of “director” on it. for a second there i felt sorry for betraying it, but that thought was soon gone of course.