why is it so fucking difficult!?!?
Frida Kahlo, self-portrait, 1922, (age 15)
moments of virginia woolf melancholia comes every so often so i put on hazy music by the raveonettes
julia said she feels like she’s skating through life and there’s no way to brake. i told her that i feel like there’s some force pushing me forward and i can’t feel myself anymore, like i’m sitting on a buoy floating down a flowing river. julia told me that sophie thinks that her last three years in beijing were the same. always being pushed foward, somewhere, somehow.
the past week we were on break and we agreed that we felt like we were floating. floating through the hours and the days. different characters we’ve met floating through my mind. she said that we’ll draw up a life map soon in our living room, with a bottle of wine, maybe with a candle for atmosphere.
beijing on new year’s eve
standing in the middle of the street with nick and julia watching the fireworks rise up one after another after another, imagining the perfect car ride through the streets of this city at her most beautiful moment, and shouting, i love this city - something i so rarely say
Nick just exclaimed in his sleep, holy shit Wanwan! You’re crazy!
Gotta ask him what he dreamt of.
I hate the obviously expository dialogues in films when you know the character is clearly explaining stuff purely for the audience’s convenience. Like early in the film Last Ride we re wondering what’s the relationship between the man, the woman, and the boy, and then the boy conveniently asks the woman to tell the story of how she and the man met and then we learn everything.
i promise you that change is coming soon and the heavy mass in your head will dissolve and surfaces will declutter and walls will be a clean icy white.
i feel something clawing on me from inside. i pick up and put down the phone several times but a phone call and a dinner date is not going to help with anything. i rarely feel the need for company, and when i do i’m ashamed of being weak.
some things i want for the new year:
be a bigger person, especially toward my family
read and watch movies and learn
exercise more regularly
write more on tumblr
figure out how to get someone to help me buy retina macbook
ok these sound so vague and stupid except the last one. maybe i’ll just try to make someone help me accomplish the last one.